[the beginning of our eternity]

cousins

Kala and I were able to come down to Tuscon this week to help during my sisters recovery. (really just for us to play haha). We have had so much fun. Kala wakes up early every morning (not so fun part) and realizes he is at cousins house and has to WAKE UP and PLAY! I was a bit nervous to see how Kala would be around the baby, because he's pretty rough and tough. But oh my goodness he just ADORES sweet Ryker. I have no idea where he got the idea but he keeps trying to hold Ryker whenever he is laying flat on the couch. It's sooooo CUTE! One of the many times he was hunched over admiring Ryker, Ryker put his arms out and so Kala thought he wanted a high five so he slapped his hand haha. He is so flippin cute! We have had so much fun this week and will be very sad to leave!

(Kala trying to hold Ryker haha)

Why I chose...

I was reading this article today, http://bit.ly/p22F5z. To understand the rest of this post, you might want to read it (along with a box of tissues) before you read on.

Ya know, so many people give me such a hard time about having not gotten my bachelors. ( I have my associates don't get me wrong). But they all think less of me for not finishing my degree. Reading this article is EXACTLY why I chose to stay home. I had several dreams when Kala was about a year old that he would die. Now obviously it hasn't happened. But it made me think of how I would feel if he did die young. Now I don't hover over him and obsess over every move he makes. But I don't ever want to look back and wish I would have held him before bed just a little bit longer (not that he lets me ha), or that I wish I would have read him a few more stories, wrestled and tickled him a big more, or that I would have sat back and enjoyed his little devious laugh instead of letting my homework or housework take priority. I want to live each day with my sweet little boy to it's fullest. I don't want to have any regrets. Sure sometimes it's hard to watch the world think that I'm failing or letting myself down because they thought I had so much potential. But here's the thing, I have reached far greater potential being the sweetest little boys "mama" than I could have ever reached while attaining a bachelor's degree. I want to look back and remember the times i just couldn't resist going in his room at night just to hold him because I can't get enough, I want to look back and remember the times he held on so tight while I was helping him through his fear of the slide, I want to remember his first steps, I want to remember when he said his first words, I want to remember chasing him down the hallway while he laughs and screams all at the same time while he slows down so that I might just catch him.

This article helped me to be able to put into words why I feel so strongly about staying home and being a mom. It may not be the right thing for everyone, but for me, there's no other way. We may not live in a big house, we may not have fancy things, but I have the happiest little boy at home that I love with all my heart and that's all that matters. It's like what this woman says, “ I am a reflection of him and not the other way around, and this is, I believe, as it should be. This is a love story, and like all great love stories, it is a story of loss. Parenting, I’ve come to understand, is about loving my child today. Now. In fact, for any parent, anywhere, that’s all there is.” I chose to postpone my bachelor's for now because, I want to experience all the little things today and not wait for some future destination of what I can make my child into, but enjoy and love him for who he is today and if I can guide him as much as he guides me... honestly I could not ask for more in life than to hear his precious laugh and to see his gigantic smile. Sure I may not be living the life everyone else thinks I should, but I know I'm living the life that I will never once regret.

happenings

We have been super busy since we've moved to Arizona and having SO much fun! I was watching a friends little boy for the first 6 weeks that we were here and we had lots of fun! He helped paint these posters for my sweet sister and baby Ryker! Kala of course covered his face with paint and got more paint on himself than the poster but he loves to paint! Kala and I got to go down for my sister's c-section September 23, 2011 so we could meet sweet Ryker Cole Baldwin. He is such a cutie! (I get to be down in Tuscon again this week and hold sweet Ryker it's GREAT!)
Kala is such a crack up these days. He is convinced that he is absolutely hilarious. So he walks around laughing at himself and cracking himself up. He decided on day that he needed to put on kaulana's dirty socks. He thought he was so cool. haha. My goodness I love my kid.
A couple of weekends ago there was actually nice weather in the valley so Kaulana, Kala and I headed on a hike first thing in the morning! We had so much fun and Kala was in HEAVEN to say the least, talking up a storm!
We are loving being in the valley and loving our new ward!

sleepless nights

I can't sleep tonight. Been thinking. Wondering. Why the sun rises and sets on certain ways. Why some things ended up this way. How do things wind up so far away? How do you fix mistakes you've made.

Opportunities to Do Good

(Kala was painting a poster for Aunt Melissa and Baby Ryker to come home from the hospital, he had sooo much fun to say the least!)

This past Sunday I was given the opportunity to speak at church. I was not given a topic, but was asked to pray about what I should speak on. Right off the bat, I thought of the talk, "What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to be?" by Elder Lynn G. Robbins, because I had been so touched by it in the last general conference. It truly moved me to action. I decided after that talk that I wanted to do the things that we therefore move me forward to the person that I so desire to be. I decided that I would work on responding to the small everyday promptings I receive from the Lord, particularly those that concerned service to others, even if it was just a phone call or a note. Truly it has changed my life. As this opportunity to speak came up I felt that others too may benefit from the experiences that I have had since last april. Well I got in the car the next morning to go to the market and my husband had a byu-speech podcast playing called "Why Giving Matters". Talk about incredible! If you ever had an excuse of why you couldn't give, this sure PROVES (literally with statistics) why we can and should serve. It's incredible the impact service has on the lives of others as well as our own and watching THIS short video (4 mins) this evening just reiterated that to me. I am so very grateful to be part of a church that stresses to its members the importance of service. I truly hope that I can truly "be" a service oriented person and that the Lord can count on me when he needs something to be done. I have been lucky enough to have the opportunity to serve my sweet sister this week in Tuscon as she recovers. I don't think helping with the cutest little newborn really counts as service but I am thankful for each and every opportunity that the Lord gives me to help others, even if they may be small and insignificant to me, who knows, maybe one day it will seem much more to someone on the other end...

slow dance


I was thinkin about an old friend today, lookin at old notes I had written. I had written these song lyrics one day

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a
butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

Its funny to sit here now looking at silly letters to old friends when I was in high school. I can't even remember if these were lyrics to a song, a poem i read, or maybe even an email who knows. But it's so funny that I had written this but failed to take my own advice and slow down. And for that same reason I lost this dear relationship. It always seems that I'm in a rush to get somewhere. I think it's about time to take my own advice and slow down a bit. The world isn't going anywhere, but my life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes. I wish i could take all these years back and really be the kind of friend that I realize I could have been. I wish I could have been there for the people that matter most. It's funny the older I get the more I learn and the more I realize I didn't know, and the more I realize I could have done. It tears me up inside knowing now how much more of a person I could be now if I would have known then what I know now. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking in circles and it all makes sense to me but I'm not quite sure if it's coming out right. I guess it's just... weird to look back and realize all you thought you knew but you didn't know and if you would just slow down maybe you'd know. But then how do you move forward when one day you'll be looking back and wish you would have known better?